Monday, 7 November 2022

 This is my first blog; hence, many mistakes are bound to happen, but the quality will slowly but surely improve over time.

The previous week I was not able to attend college till Wednesday 2 Nov only as I had to go to my cousin's wedding in Jaipur. I went there with my family forn3 days: the 3rd,4th, and 5th of November. It was a long trip. we went and came back from Jaipur by road, journey to Jaipur took almost 5-6 hours and the return journey was about 7 hours. For those 3 days, I switched off my mobile phone so that I can give enough time to my relatives and family. because if the phone was on, I am pretty sure, some of my relatives would surely comment like he is not with us and only with his mobile. I surely did not want that to happen hence I chose to keep my phone off. Also if it was on, I would be not able to give time to people who would be messaging then. So I made the mobile silent and on Airplane Mode for 4 days from Thursday to Sunday. And we came back on Saturday but I was hoping that we get an off from university due to rising pollution and then I can easily cover my pending studies and return to college on Wednesday as Tuesday would already be an off due to the occasion of Guru Nanak Jayanti. So I switched on my mobile at 12:30 am on the morning of 7th November, Monday.

So now it's time to begin my blog.

Also Disclaimer(In case someone accesses this blog**): All views expressed are personal and are never meant to hurt anyone, I am also in a learning process and will surely learn from my mistakes. These blogs would be more like what I am feeling on those days and maybe accounts of the day that led to those feelings. Mostly I don't have anyone to open up to in university and I am not able to tell all things to my parents as well for obvious reasons. I mostly shared my all feelings, thoughts, and so on with my sister only but now I feel that I am burdening her. also I had some friends to whom I used to tell my feelings of sadness but then I stopped because of the reason that is also the theme of this blog today.

**Also this blog is not meant for anyone to see but in case someone reads it, I have tried to write it in a way it should be to a reader.

Ok, so let's Start,

So I switched off airplane mode on my mobile around 12:30 am. Soon as I expected old messages started to appear. There were around 100 messages from various chats. some of them I don't even know and never talked to, they were asking if I had completed my lab file work and can send it to them if I know the syllabus completed and can share it with them, and so on. I got a message from Harshit who I considered a very dear friend and often called Bhai ordering me to not make changes on our chess club's insta page. I certainly did not like the message as I wanted both of our names to be there and not only mine(like it is as of now). because it is an effort by both of us. but I decided not to respond. I got no messages from Aakriti whom I consider a very dear and almost best friend and called her aakriti ben but no msg from that side probably she knew that I will not be able to attend any and hence the action and that was fine. some more messages from my friend from my school days by Sahil. ad some convo with another student from our university, Aryan who is in the hostel. Also, I got one msg from our CR Yusuf confirming a value that I had asked him to find while I was away. using that info I started to complete my File Work for FM Lab. After that, I did more time waste watched some videos on youtube to make myself feel happy and content don't know why I was not feeling like going to college.

Woke up at 8:15 am bcz I slept late around 3 or 4 am not even aware now of the timing. Got ready, saw papa did not go to the office today, took sanitizer, earphones, mobile, wallet, bag, and myself to the small temple in our house, prayed, took paratha roll in hand, and as usual went to find a rikshaw and while eating went to college. College is around 4 to 4.2kms from my residence. I reached college and went to FM lab to find it closed and no one there, though a little far away 2 students from our class were standing there. Anyways I kept waiting and waiting for thee. I stood there wearing a white colored shirt(which I generally do not like to wear as my inner vest(banian) is visible through it and I don't like that, but today I did not feel like it, I was like ki just let it be, kya hi Hoga dekhlenge, farak nahi padta attitude) blue jeans or pants don't exactly know, mostly it is jeans I guess. and also an N95 White colored mask because the POLLUTION level rising. Soon Aakash came wearing a grey half-sleeved t-shirt and jeans. We greeted each other, and he brought the keys to the room, went inside, and started t discuss the FM lab fil experiment 1 Venturimeter. Soon more students came in. I started to ask Aakash about the work completed in the class in my absence the last week. Soon Aakriti came(she was late but so was ma'am and she did not come only and we were allowed to complete our pending work of Lab), she saw me and I could feel she was happy to see me, she said I thought you would not come today and will be back on Tuesday. She was smiling and that made me happy that somebody was happy seeing me but it was not true completely as always. Harshit also joined in, Met his guys, ignoring me at first(reflecting how I subconsciously behave with people sometimes), and then suddenly realized my presence he greeted me and I also did the same. Harshit is a good guy, very hardworking, very vocal, and emotional, he hides his emotions and feelings and only shows and tells to those who matter to him the most. and this a very great thing. he is good at almost everything that I have seen him do as of now. though of course, he is not perfect, he is a good guy, fighting his problems and issues on his own being reserved. He is usually on his earphones and mobile or playing chess when free. He is one of the most busiest people I know in the university, he is in so many clubs and societies that I take a long time to remember sometimes, he is a main member of the USS chess club, meme club,USICT clubs, USCT clubs and many more. He is very hardworking. He is very practical and only talks about studies and academics when I converse with him. I usually hold him highly in my senses, but today I felt very worthless, to be very honest when I am with him I don't know I start to feel inferior sometimes like I don't know anything, I get to learn a lot from him though, always been a good mentor type friend till now. Though today I felt like since last few days he approaches me only when some work is required to be done regarding career like group projects, etc. but these are wrong thoughts and I know he has always been there when I needed him, hence I respect him and his hustle a lot. I feel a little up and down with him like someday very nice and someday just not like it but I get it it's just my very high and wrong expectations, he also has his life and many people who are more priority, so I should understand those things as well. Everyone has their own things and issues and should respect that. He never asks for help from me though he is very self-reliant. He almost knows everything that is happening in the university, maybe by himself or with help of his spies xd. Overall a great guy but recently I was not feeling quite like it with him but that is just what I felt. And now since I have described Harsht, let me also give a brief description of Aakriti. She is a very Wise girl, knows what is right and wrong and tries to help people by giving them good advice. she is somewhat like our Ancestors who know many secrets about various Foods, veds, nuskas and all. She has a great interest in science and space and veds and all in particular. She does everything with great focus. She is a great dancer and a good singer as well. So overall she is a very brilliant student both co-curricular wise and Academic wise. Though she usually believes only those things that she knows and believes to be true and does not agree with someone else until she believes that(usually wrt my philosophical thoughts). I consider her a very good friend of mine, she was here to console me 2 times when I felt very low and switched off my mobile phone for many days. She tied me rakhi in a temple in CP. I felt very happy that day. Though some unnecessary ups and down happened because I was not able to attend my classes during disability week and was sad, and at that time she did not understand my situation and started to not talk. she was also unwell and I understand she could also be in some situation I don't know, so went and apologized. Then I decided to go and say hello with a great smile and happy face she will surely accept back, and it slightly happened. Soon she went for dance practices for Diwali fest and started to miss her classes unintentionally due to that. She started to be sad when not dancing. once when I saw her dance she looked very happy and the next moment was very sad to miss her lessons. Though I sent her the notes missing classes is the last thing a student like her would want to do. So on Thursday 20th October I met her in the university garden in the afternoon, she was with one of our seniors, I told aakriti about the work done, she could not understand what this was and she became sad and I saw her cry, that was very saddening to see tried to console her but to no avail. then I went to class, attended classes, and now it was time for our last class, she came in running leaving behind her dance class to attend the lecture but to her surprise, sir came in gave 2 questions, said happy Diwali and left within 2 minutes literally. she grew sadder. Then I realized I left y notebook in the garden in the afternoon and ran t get it back when I returned she was all alone in class sadly. I went and sat beside her. She then said " ladai ho gayi Abhi", I was like what? kis see, kaise, kya hua, one of the students in our class teased her by saying tu Bhi bunk karne lag gayi ab and all of her frustration came out she thrashed him with her words but to me more gloomy, he did not apologize as well, I and Harshit talked to him but still no avail. When I saw her breakdown, she was extremely sad, I could see tears in her eyes, they were falling on the floor, that was heartbreaking for me to see as I had known her to be strong. I tried to lift her spirits but nothing happened. and as always shared nothing with me, started to call her best friends to console herself and talk about what happened. 

I left college that day sad. But eventually, she got better, and as I had already predicted she completed all backlogs and was back. now coming back to today. I had little expectation that someone will be happy to see me back but no one was. this was sad but it taught me ki nobody cares about you, Kisi ko Kuch farak nahi padta aapke hone ya na hone see, they will replace you if you are not there. I felt worthless, not included, and like a stranger. I think all of them had found other people. also, one reason may be due to my nature which we will eventually see in future blogs. I am mostly silent and I think this is what people do not like. it is difficult but yeah I understand the same for them. so I accept just.

I just now feel that we make relations like Bhai, been, and all best friends but never behave like one. I felt sad but I decided to accept this. Decided to care less about them. Because nobody cares about me except my family. do my work and if they talk it's okay otherwise let it be. I don't want to be there. this is also a reason why I don't want to college on most days I feel unincluded. this still feels like my school only difference is the outfit is not fixed here. rest everything is same. At that time I did not feel much but now it hurts as still, I don't have someone with which I can rely, share, and be with and not feel worthless or fear to lose as I would know that would never happen. maybe I find someone like that, be it a boy or a girl, I just want a best friend, not any love interest types, just a friend for whom I am there fr and the same is reciprocated. 

I feel I do a lot more for people than they do for me. I think it is maybe too much but I feel like it...

hope I find a best friend soon who understands me.

I hope it's me only till then.apna kaam karo, aur so jao...bas...

bye...

nobody is close enough sadly... I listen to everyone but when I speak nobody listens or responds its just me. I feel like I am just there with them because we met due to academics otherwise I would have never been there, I am very very temporary for they can be easily replaced anytime...

this was not meant to make anyone offended or sad it was just to express my feelings to someone, mostly because I think nobody is reading this so yes, it is for me to express...

Just wrote as thoughts came to mind. these are just for me to write and leave to make myself feel lighter.

:):