20 Feb 2023: kya mai deserve nahi karta

Today was a very wierd and little sad day, I was feeling very sad and was not able to dismiss this feeling.

Today I had my Fluid Mechanics practical. 

I prepared for it both written and viva and went to college and reached by 9:05am.

On 30ty Jan, when our exams begin, I forgot to call/inform Aakriti that I have reached, so she felt bad and got angry, I realised my mistake, apologised and from next exam onwards, messaged her as I reached the college, but eventually she stopped seeing those messages and started to do what I did mistakenly on first day.

Today I decided I will not message first, 

And guess what, no message came from her side, means she got angry and sad when I did not inform and now herself does this, and expects me to not feel bad.

I think she also like others take me for granted. 

Literally on some days her wordings are like : "chocolate/ice cream dekar mana lungi, sorry 5-6 baar bolkar mana lungi" etc.

This clearly feels like my feelings are not respected, jab man kare tab acche se baat karein jab nahi tab gayab like my school friends did with me. Same things keep repeating, 

No one is like ki Haan he is my friend and treats me like I treat them with respect, humility and care, I am not bragging but I feel like this. 

On text most students talk to me regarding studies doubts(tho i am not doing well currently in academics), some ask respectfully and I reply back respectfully to them.

But then some of those students in college ignore me so hard like what have I done to them or they have never talked to me or have known me. 

There are some students from whom I do not expect such things like aakriti, aakash, harshit etc. But somehow these things keep happening in some way or another.

Literally I hang out with like 5-6 people in college if I ever do, those are aakriti, harhsit, aakash, priyanshu, Shikhar Parashar, tejasvi, and some more on a good day.

Literally I take care of some of my friends like I try to help them, tell them something for their good when ask for advice etc. Stil they don't treat me right I feel.

Friends are ones who might not have you on their first priority but are there for you to lend you an ear or be with you. 

I have always tried being that type of person. 

I have always been there when someone needed. 

But when I needed someone, I hardly got someone, 

And ones I got, judged me. 

Today in FM viva, Examiner did not ask questions to me, I was shocked and like everyone also wanted to share my thoughts with my friends, but none of them was interested to hear me. 

As soon as I said something, I was interrupted by them and they started telling their story.

This was done by aakriti too today, 

Literally felt bad and bid her bye and she left for dance practice and I came back upstairs to feel further gloomy. Literally, I am there and they are on friendly terms with me, no rivalry etc. But they are like straight on ignoring me, literally they can ask me also, but they asked me to get side and then asked Shikhar Parashar and Aakash. 

It was rude to me I felt. 

People who know me and talk in a good way on text suddenly ignoring me. 

No one from class talks to me literally if they don't have any specific work from me. 

Literally no one. 

And then they say you are loner and all. You don't talk etc. 

But literally, they Ever tried approaching? 

Ever asked me about other than studies and have a genuine talk? 

Never nope, nobody. 

No one cares about me, sab apne aur apne apne doston mai mashgul hain, 

Mujhe kyun nahi koi aisa dost milta? 

Kyun mai jinhe dost manta hun woh chale jaate hain ya kuch aisa karte jo doston ko nahi karna chahiye, school time se hi? 

Kya mai deserve nahi karta respect and friends? 

Maine kya kiya hai aisa? 

Literally bacche aankhein churaye hain ki baat na Karni pade is se... 

Or agar by chance eyes meet, aise greet karte hain ek dam darr ke

Pata nahi mujhse darr hai ya Nafrat hai ki kya hai... 

Kyun hai aisa? 

:(

Akele hi likha hai mere naseeb mai. 

I toh think ki agar koi insan significant one bhi hota mera toh woh bhi chala jata aise hi chhod Kar. 

Sab chale ha Rahe hain chhod Kar achanak

And blame karenge mujhe hi ki you are the because. (dukh mai bhi joke reference XD ;_:) 

Getting ignored is the worst feeling ever and I again started to face this... 

Used to face this in school a lot. 

Na school accha gaya is sab cheezon mai n'a college and aage bhi yehi hoga I guess... 

Everyone tries to avoid me. 

:(

Parchayi hi hai jo rahegi saath mere bas jaise mai kehta hun

Par ab yeh kehne mai bhi darta hun ki kya pata is atoot rishte ko bhi nazar lag jaye. 

Parchayi bhi jo na rahegi saath toh kya hi jeena hoga fir, kaam ke liye hi jeena aur kaam ke liye hi marna fir

Aisi zindagi bhi kya zindagi jisme doston ka saath na ho, Maa Baap ka aashirwad na ho, kuch shubhchintakon ki duaein n'a hon, aur khud ka koi khwaab na ho. 

Aaje ke din mai kuch acchi cheezein hui like ki aaj thoda vibe match hua harhsit ke saath, talha anjum ki new album open letter ke baare mai baat ki, thodi career related baat ki. 

Aur aaj USCTAA ka member ban gaya. 

Bas I want ki jin logon ki mai respect karta hun woh toh mujhe ignore n'a karein

Literally mere texts padhein, itna politely and aaram se baat ki hui hai fir bhi aisa kyun? 

Harshit ka toh chalo i can understand 

Aakriti does this why? And she feels ki mana hi lungi ise? Yeh toh galat baat hai... 

Literally koi loyal dost nahi hai bhyi... 

Mujhe bhi chahiye ki koi mujhe apna BFF kahe, and mai bhi kahun use, 

Mujhe bhi dosti wali feel aaye, 

Woh dosti ke maze mai bhi share karun bade hokar,. Mai bhi kuch memories banaun other than studies about my college

Nahi chahata ki school ki tarah memories hon, kuch acchi memory nahi thi school mai. 

Par lagta nahi aisa hoga... 

Ab pata nahi mai aakriti and baaki "doston" se kaise baat karunga and kis way mai behave karunga kyunki ab mai andar se thak gaya koshish karte karte and i am only taken for granted and for asking study related things, and woh bhi ab band ho jayega kyunki marks abhi thode kharab aayenge, aur ignore hunga, 

Completely alone and idle hone wale in hain... 

Shayad yehi manzoor hai kismat ko...